🔗 Share this article Excessive Apologies: How to Break the Habit As a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that courtesy is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Even with a satisfying life, I’ve struggled with very low self-confidence. This mix of trying to acknowledge people and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who says sorry often. Many times, it happens so automatically that I’m not even aware of it. It stems from anxiety and has affected both my personal and professional life. It frustrates my family and friends and colleagues, and then I get upset when they point it out—which only heightens my anxiety. Presenting and Asking Questions This excessive apologizing is especially troubling when it comes to public speaking or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay on track and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an early-career academic in politics, speaking assuredly is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through gradual exposure, such as teaching classes and forcing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried waiting before speaking to become more aware of when I’m apologizing, but this is effective at first before I fall back to old habits. Personal Peace I don’t think I’ll ever fully like myself, and I’ve come to terms with that. I still appreciate life and find it rewarding. My main goal is to reduce the overuse of apologies. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice. Apologizing is a valuable skill, but it must be used wisely. Too little or too much, and you place a load on others. Finding the Source A psychotherapist might explore where this compulsion comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this developed?” or “Was it internally driven or inherited from someone nearby to you?” Sometimes, youthful habits that once served us well become unhelpful in later years. In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as self-sabotage. You are aware it annoys those around you, yet you persist it. Benefits of Counseling When asked what therapy could do, one approach focuses on existing rather than acting. Much of helpful sessions is about self-awareness, not just addressing problems. A qualified professional will supportively question you, offering a safe space to consider and acknowledge who you are. Instead of direct confrontation, a connection-based method with a person-centered counselor might be more helpful. This can help you come back to yourself and examine how you view, disregard, and invalidate yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, interrupting it, and finding more self-compassionate ways to see things. Your confidence can develop from there. Useful Strategies Changing ingrained patterns is challenging, especially in tense situations when apologizing feels like a reflex. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to refrain. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid embarrassment or being seen, by acknowledging perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a vicious circle of irritation and worry. Even thinking things through can be useful. Try pausing briefly before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “That makes sense” can make others feel heard without you taking blame. This journey will take time, but admitting there’s an issue is a crucial first step toward change.